Enough About Me... How About You? What Do You Think Of Me?


Friday, November 04, 2005

Something to think about.

I’ve been reading WDKY’s site with rapt attention these last few weeks (ah, especially HNT…) and it has provoked all kinds of thoughts about my current relationship. I wouldn’t say that there are an abundance of similarities, perhaps just a common quest to – I don’t have the right word – hmmm - I’m just at a point where feelings either grow or they don’t. It’s like I want to freeze things where they are until I’m clear. Yeah, don’t I wish that I was some simple-type girl that didn’t analyze everything to death (ha!), but oh well – I am. I’ve always liked blaming past life experience (I guess it’s not really blaming as such, if I feel if makes me a better person) for the oh-so-aggravating need to not waste my time.

Ah, some of you may want to point fingers and say “what about Fanny Pack.” I spent three years with a guy that I was certain wasn’t and would never be “the one” (for absolute lack of a better expression). Well, I didn’t feel that I was wasting my time –I was biding my time. I knew that a transfer to Toronto was imminent and that he wouldn’t be coming with me. The short of it is – I knew that he wouldn’t be an obstacle to my move and if I met someone that I really fell for before I left, that it might screw things up. So I was very upfront with Fanny Pack, told him exactly that I was not going to bring him with me when I left, nor was I going to change my mind about leaving. Which meant that we could either break up or keep seeing each other until I left. As it turned out, that’s what we continued to do for the next nine months.

And that’s really the crux of it – not wanting to waste my time. It has nothing to do with age – I have no ticking clocks – it’s just that – what I’ve learned and adapted from – is simply that I have a finite amount of time and I see no need to throw a huge amount of effort behind something that I’m ultimately (Ha! You think I’m going to say regret – trick’s on you – I don’t believe in regret, only a lesson learned) not going to want or doesn’t fit. And of course, there’s the fact that for the most part, I just want to be happy. All of this – the not wasting time – helps me spend more time enjoying myself. Okay, so I take a few weeks to do some hard thinking, well… at least I’m not spending months or years wondering “hmmm, is this it? Is this what I want?”

Don’t I wish that I could think about these things in real time… decide on the fly – without having to take a mental time-out (but NOT a break!!!) to think things through. But I do. I’m a horribly complicated, high-maintenance girl that always has to think things through. I guess that when your life gets turned upside-down when you’re a kid, all you want for the rest of your life is to be sure.

Posted by Brown Eyed Girl :: 12:03 PM :: 3 Comments:

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