Enough About Me... How About You? What Do You Think Of Me?

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

And I'm back...

Home again, and with luggage, happily. It was a good trip back East, lots of catching up with friends and family, spending time with my mother and grandmother – that sort of thing, as well as to deal with some family business. Aside from work, which was my excuse to travel back, one of the main reasons for the trip was to attend a memorial dedication for my father.

So as many of you know, my father died some 14 years ago – 15 years in early March. This time of year is always a bit of a bummer; its around now that he started to slip out of his very brief remission and we all had to begin to come to terms with what was happening while getting our very young heads around celebrating a last Christmas together. I guess in this context, celebrate isn’t really the word.

I have absolutely no recollection of that last Christmas, other than we had dad home from the hospital for two days and during that brief visit, a friend invited me to go see a movie – I’m pretty sure it was Home Alone (yes, the original!). I remember coming home from the movie, going downstairs and telling him about it. That’s my last memory of him and I having a chat, as such. From that point on, it’s all hospital memories – you know – the ones that haunt me today with the smell and the chill.

Something about this year is tougher than usual. Perhaps it’s because this year is a milestone year for me – I’ve officially lived half my life without him, well, more than half now. I find that he’s on my mind a lot – which is not unusual. What’s different is that I feel much, much more sadness. In a – watching the Barbarian Invasions AGAIN so I can cry and try to clean out that awful feeling that lodges in my chest – kind of way.

So in that same kind of cathartic way, I looked forward to going to the dedication with my mother. Years ago, my father worked for a senior’s housing development and during their recent milestone celebration, they decided to rename one of their main rooms after my father. A lot of his former work colleagues were in attendance, as well as residents that had been there so many years ago when he started working there. It was just one of those things that reminded me how special he was, not just to us, but to so many other people. It also allowed me to reconnect with a lot of these people, and their memories of him and us as children.

It definitely worked to bring things to a head – nothing like facing all of this head-on. And in doing so – in letting all of this sort of wash in and then back out, it laid bare all the other issues that have been collecting behind the scenes, waiting to be dealt with. Although I certainly haven’t solved/resolved all the issues that loom, at least I see them clearly now, and they’re no longer tied into the other emotions. I can be a bit more objective.

So here’s to taking a deep breath and not having it feel like I’m only filling half my lungs. With any luck, I’ll be sleeping through the night regularly soon as well.

Posted by Brown Eyed Girl :: 2:57 PM :: 1 Comments:

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